March 21, 2012  |   By

Song: “Shadows”

Artist: John Mayer

Last week’s chart placement: NA

This week’s chart placement: 42

Does it deserve this?

It’s like the Hot 100 is conspiring against me.

Barely recovered from the Carly Rae Jespen snub, I find out that M83 got trumped by John Mayer in an obvious attempt to paint me as some kind of joyless, pop-loathing hate monger.

And it’s not like I hate John Mayer. (Well, I sort of do.) But that’s a personal thing related solely to his Twitter account, that green Borat bathing suit, his public persona and his random acts of unabashed douchebaggery. I get that he’s good at really breathy, low singing and that he can “shred” when he wants to show off.  But still, I object.

I object because he’s a Billboard shoo-in. Like, duh, obviously John Mayer is going to land on the Hot 100 – especially after recently announcing a hiatus for his voice to recover from whatever is wrong with it. Bros love the man. Girls love the man. He’s the patron saint of any dude named Chad that has earnestly uttered the phrase “Yo, I would totally tap that.” There’s a reason Jennifer Aniston dated him, and it’s the same reason he’s number 42. He is John-freaking-Mayer.

So regardless of song, ugh.

UGH in all caps, ugh in italics and “ugh” in Comic Sans. Despite columns on Skrillex, chilled-out frat rock is still rearing its head, and if you’re looking for an easily achieved mellow on a balmy spring day, you’ve RSVP’d “YES!” to the John Mayer grass party.

It is what it is. Like every other song, you’ve got vocals, you’ve got guitars and you’ve got that “smooth rock” sound that Kenny G covets. It’s Jack Johnson with shoes on. Ben Harper with a collared shirt. Valedictorian of Cargo Shorts University, John Mayer is here and he’s brought his red SOLO cups.

So does “Shadows” deserve it? Eh. Like the front table display at an Abercrombie & Fitch store, a John Mayer chart appearance is just that thing we know exists but choose to comfortably ignore.

In summation, John Mayer is like flip-flops: a staple for some despite being categorically unacceptable for me.

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